The Humanists’ Creed and its End Results (only slightly satirical)

Humanists’ Creed
by Steve Turner

We believe in Marx, Freud, and Darwin.
We believe that everything is OK as long as you don’t hurt anyone, to the best of your definition of hurt, and to the best of your definition of knowledge.

We believe in sex before, during and after marriage.
We believe in the therapy of sin.
We believe that adultery’s fun.
We believe that sodomy’s OK.
We believe that taboos are taboo.

We believe that everything is getting better despite evidence to the contrary.
The evidence must be investigated and you can prove anything with evidence.

We believe there is something in horoscopes, UFOs, and bent spoons.
Jesus was a good man just like Buddha, Mohammad, and ourselves.
He was a good moral teacher although we think that his good morals were really bad.

We believe that all religions are basically the same, at least the ones we read were.
They all believe in love and goodness. They only differ on matters of creation, sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.

We believe that after death comes Nothing because when you ask the dead what happens they say nothing.
If death is not the end, if the dead have lied, then it’s compulsory heaven for all except perhaps Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Kahn.

We believe in Masters and Johnson.
What’s selected is average.
What’s average is normal.
What’s normal is good.

We believe in total disarmament.
We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed.
American’s should beat their guns into tractors and the Russians would be sure to follow.

We believe that man is essentially good; it’s only his behaviour that lets him down.
This is the fault of society.
Society is the fault of conditions.
Conditions are the fault of society.

We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.
Reality will adapt accordingly; the universe will readjust; history will alter.
We believe there is no absolute truth excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.

We believe in the rejection of creeds.

If Chance be the Father of all flesh, disaster is His rainbow in the sky.
And when you hear “State of Emergency”,
“Sniper Kills Ten”, “Troops on Rampage”,
“Youths Go Looting”, “Bomb Blasts School”,
it is but the sound of man worshiping his maker.

—Steve Turner

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